Ogden Nash

Winter Complaint

Now when I have a cold 
I am careful with my cold, 
I consult a physician 
And I do as I am told.
 I muffle up my torso 
In woolly woolly garb, 
And I quaff great flagons 
Of sodium bicarb. 
I munch on aspirin, 
I lunch on water, 
And I wouldn’t dream of osculating 
Anybody’s daughter, 
And to anybody’s son 
I wouldn’t say howdy, 
For I am a sufferer 
Magna cum laude. 
I don’t like germs, 
But I’ll keep the germs I’ve got. 
Will I take a chance of spreading them? 
Definitely not. 
I sneeze out the window 
And I cough up the flue,
 And I live like a hermit 
Till the germs get through. 
And because I’m considerate, 
Because I’m wary, 
I am treated by my friends 
Like Typhoid Mary. 

Now when you have a cold 
You are careless with your cold, 
You are cocky as a gangster 
Who has just been paroled. 
You ignore your physician, 
You eat steaks and oxtails, 
You stuff yourself with starches, 
You drink lots of cocktails, 
And you claim that gargling 
Is a time of waste, 
And you won’t take soda 
For you don’t like the taste, 
And you prowl around parties 
Full of selfish bliss, 
And you greet your hostess 
With a genial kiss. 
You convert yourself 
Into a deadly missle, 
You exhale Hello’s 
Like a steamboat whistle. 
You sneeze in the subway 
And you cough at dances, 
And let everybody else 
Take their own good chances. 
You’re a bronchial boor, 
A bacterial blighter, 
And you get more invitations 
Than a gossip writer. 

Yes, your throat is froggy, 
And your eyes are swimmy, 
And your hand is clammy, 
And your nose is brimmy, 
But you woo my girls 
And their hearts you jimmy 
While I sit here 
With the cold you gimmy.