when my mother was pregnant
with her second child i was four
i pointed at her swollen belly confused at how
my mother had gotten so big in such little time
my father scooped me in his tree trunk arms and
said the closest thing to god on this earth
is a woman’s body it’s where life comes from
and to have a grown man tell me something
so powerful at such a young age
changed me to see the entire universe
rested at my mother’s feet




i struggle so deeply
to understand
how someone can
pour their entire soul
blood and energy
into someone
without wanting
anything in
return


- i will have to wait till i’m a mother


no
it won’t
be love at
first sight when
we meet it’ll be love
at first remembrance cause
i’ve seen you in my mother’s eyes
when she tells me to marry the type
of man i’d want to raise my son to be like


every revolution 
starts and ends
with his lips


what am i to you he asks
i put my hands in his lap
and whisper you
are every hope
i’ve ever had
in human form



my favorite thing about you is your smell
you smell like
earth
herbs
gardens
a little more
human than the rest of us


i know i
should crumble
for better reasons
but have you seen 
that boy he brings
the sun to its
knees every
night
















you are the faint line
between faith and
blindly waiting

- letter to my future lover

nothing is safer
than the sound of you
reading out loud to me


- the perfect date




he placed his hands
on my mind
before reaching
for my waist
my hips
or my lips
he didn’t call me
beautiful first
he called me
exquisite

- how he touches me

i am learning
how to love him
by loving myself




he says 
i am sorry i am not an easy person to want
i look at him surprised
who said i wanted easy
i don’t crave easy
i crave goddamn difficult

the very thought of you
has my legs spread apart
like an easel with a canvas
begging for art




i am ready for you
i have always
been 
ready for you

- the first time

I do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own
i want to be so complete
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of us combined
could set it on fire




love will come
and when love comes
love will hold you
love will call your name
and you will melt
sometimes though
love will hurt you but
love will never mean to
love will play no games
cause love knows life
has been hard enough already

i’d be lying if i said
you make me speechless
the truth is you make my
tongue so weak it forgets
what language to speak in



he asks me what i do
i tell him i work for a small company
that makes packaging for—
he stops me midsentence
no not what you do to pay the bills
what drives you crazy
what keeps you up at night

i tell him i write
he asks me to show him something
i take the tips of my fingers
place them inside his forearm
and graze them down his wrist
goose bumps rise to the surface
i see his mouth clench
muscles tighten
his eyes pore into mine
as though i’m the reason
for making them blink
i break gaze just as
he inches toward me
i step back

so that’s what you do
you command attention
my cheeks flush as
i smile shyly
confessing
i can’t help it

you might not have been my first love
but you were the love that made 
all the other loves
irrelevant






you’ve touched me
without even
touching me


how do you turn
a forest fire like me
so soft i turn into
running water




you look like you smell of
honey and no pain
let me have a taste of that

your name is 
the strongest
positive and negative
connotation in any language
it either lights me up or
leaves me aching for days




you talk too much
he whispers into my ear
i can think of better ways to use that mouth

it’s your voice
that undresses me




my name sounds so good
french kissing your tongue

you wrap your fingers
around my hair
and pull
this
is how you make 
music out of me

- foreplay



on days
like this
i need you to
run your fingers
through my hair
and speak softly

- you

i want your hands
to hold
not my hands
your lips 
to kiss
not my lips
but other places



























i need someone
who knows struggle
as well as i do
someone
willing to hold my feet in their lap
on days it is too difficult to stand
the type of person who gives
exactly what i need
before i even know i need it
the type of lover who hears me
even when i do not speak
is the type of understanding
i demand

- the type of lover i need

you move my hand
between my legs
and whisper
-make those pretty little fingers dance for me

 solo-performance



we’ve been arguing more than we ought to, about things
neither of us remember or care about cause that’s how
we avoid the bigger questions. instead of asking why we
don’t say i love you to one another as often as we used to.
we fight about things like: who was supposed to get up
and turn the lights off first, or who was supposed to pop
the frozen pizza in the oven after work. taking hits at the
most vulnerable parts of one another. we’re like fingers on
thorns honey. we know exactly where it hurts.

and everything is on the table tonight, like that one time
you whispered a name i’m pretty sure wasn’t mine in your
sleep. or last week when you said you were working late.
so i called work but they said you’d already left a couple
hours ago. where were you for those couple hours.

i know, i know. your excuses make all the sense in the
world. and i get a little carried away for no good reason
and eventually begin crying. but what else do you expect
baby. i love you so much. i’m sorry. i thought you were
lying.

that’s when you hold your head with your hands in
frustration. half begging me to stop. half tired and sick of
it. the toxin in our mouths has burnt holes in our cheeks.
we look less alive than we used to. less color in our faces.
but don’t kid yourself, no matter how bad it gets we both
know you still wanna nail me to the ground.

especially when i’m screaming so loud our fighting wakes
the neighbors, and they come running to the door to save
us. baby don’t open it.

instead. lie me down. lay me open like a map. and with
your fingers trace the places you still want to ****out of
me. kiss me like i’m the center point of gravity and you
are falling into me like my soul is the focal point of yours.
and when your mouth is kissing not my mouth
but other places. my legs will split apart out of habit. and
that’s when. i pull you in. welcome you. home.

when the entire street is looking out their windows
wondering what all the commotion is. and the fire trucks
come rolling in to save us but they can’t distinguish
whether these flames began with our anger or our passion.
i will smile. throw my head back, arch my body like a
mountain you want to split in half. baby lick me.

like your mouth has the gift of reading and i’m your
favorite book. find your favorite page in the soft spot
between my legs and read it carefully. fluently. vividly.
don’t you dare leave a single word untouched. and i swear
my ending will be so good. the last few words will come
running to your mouth. and when you’re done. take a
seat. cause it’s my turn to make music with my knees
pressed to the ground.

sweet baby. this. is how we pull language out of one
another with the flick of our tongues. this is how we have
the conversation. this. is how we make up.

—how we make up


 = Gwen Heistand