Whene’er I poke
Sarcastic joke
       Replete with malice spiteful,
This people mild
Politely smil’d,
       And voted me delightful!
        Now, when a wight
        Sits up all night
              Ill-natur’d jokes devising,
        And all his wiles
       Are met with smiles
              It's hard, there’s no disguising!
 
Oh, don’t the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
And isn’t your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
 
             When German bands
             From music stands
       Play’d Wagner imperfectly
             I bade them go
             They didn’t say no,
       But off they went directly!
             The organ boys
             They stopp’d their noise,
       With readiness surprising
              And grinning herds
             Of hurdy-gurds
       Retired apologising!

             I offer’d gold
             In sums untold
       To all who’d contradict me—
             I said I’d pay
             A pound a day
       To anyone who kick’d me—
             I brib’d with toys
             Great vulgar boys
       To utter something spiteful,
             But, bless you, no!
             They would be so
       Confoundedly politeful!
 
In short, these aggravating lads,
They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,
They give me this and they give me that,
And I’ve nothing whatever to grumble at!