A more humane Mikado never
Did in Japan exist
To nobody second
I'm certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist!
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment!

My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time –
To let the punishment fit the crime –
The punishment fit the crime!
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment –
Of innocent merriment!

All prosy dull society sinners
Who chatter and bleat and bore
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten till four!
The amateur tenor
Whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk
Shall, during off-hours
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork!

The lady who dyes a chemical yellow
Or stains her grey hair puce
Or pinches her figure
Is painted with vigour
And permanent walnut juice!
The idiot who, in railway carriages
Scribbles on window-panes
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In Parliamentary trains!

My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time –
To let the punishment fit the crime –
The punishment fit the crime!
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment –
Of innocent merriment!

The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures
His teeth, I've enacted
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs!
The music-hall singer attends a series
Of masses and fugues and "ops"
By Bach, interwoven
With Spohr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops!

The billiard sharp
Who any one catches,
His doom's extremely hard –
He's made to dwell –
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that's always barred!
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue
And elliptical billiard balls!

My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time –
To let the punishment fit the crime –
The punishment fit the crime!
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment –
Of innocent merriment!