Here come the gymnasts, berserk
wind-up toys only a pasha could afford,
their parents in the stands like ill-risen
bread and usually some connection to
a horrible disease. Help, I can’t stop
shrinking, I can’t breathe but 2 years later,
watch me back-flipping at high speed.
Surely the ancients intended them
to perform naked. Or better yet,
their leotards fly off as they catapult.
Yahee! Put me on the Olympic Committee!
Definitely they shouldn’t be allowed in
until they reach the age of consent.
I mean all these tiny children shooting
all over the “##@&$%!!” place — it’s
a bit much and does the rest of life
have to be anticlimactic after 13?

Now here come the swimmers like engineered
livestock you wouldn’t want to eat the eggs of.
Why isn’t there an event where we see
who can swallow the most pool water?
What about putting things up your nose?
Just sitting in a chair? Isn’t it obvious
how difficult that is, how lousy
most people are at it? I once knew
a guy who excelled at breaking stuff
against his head. No one gave him a medal.
He probably wouldn’t have been such a drunk
loser if someone had. Poor, misshapen
bloke, he had absolutely zero point zero
chance of achieving his dream which was,
he thought he told no one,
to dance a creditable tango.