Regarding yours, dear Mrs. Worthington
Of Wednesday, the 23rd.
Although your baby.
May be keen on a stage career,
How can I make it clear,
That this is not a good idea.
For her to hope, 
Dear Mrs. Worthington,
Is on the face of it absurd,
Her personality 
Is not in reality 
Inviting enough,
Exciting enough
For this particular sphere.
Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage,
The profession is overcrowded
And the struggle's pretty tough
And admitting the fact 
She's burning to act,
That isn't quite enough.
She's has nice hands, to give the wretched girl her due,
But don't you think her bust is too 
Developed for her age.
I repeat 
Mrs. Worthington, 
Sweet 
Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage.

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage,
She's a bit of an ugly duckling
You must honestly confess.
And the width of her seat
Would surely defeat
Her chances of success,
It's a loud voice, and though it's not exactly flat
She'll need a little more than that
To earn a living wage
On my knees, 
Mrs. Worthington
Please, 
Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage!

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage,
Though they said at the school of acting
She was lovely as Peer Gynt,
I’m afraid on the whole
An ingénue role
Would emphasize her squint.
She's a big girl
And though her teeth are fairly good
She's not the type I ever would
Be eager to engage
No more buts, 
Mrs. Worthington!
NUTS, 
Mrs. Worthington!
Don't put your daughter on the stage!

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage,
One look at her bandy legs should prove
She hasn't got a chance,
In addition to which
The son of a bitch
Can neither sing nor dance,
She's a vile girl and uglier than mortal sin,
One look at her has put me in
A tearing bloody rage,
That sufficed,
Mrs. Worthington,
Christ!
Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage.