Joe
In the course of each cruise
I always choose
To lecture each subordinate,
You’re not damned fools
And you know the rules,
So see you all co-ordinate.

Stewards
We’ve heard all this before.

Hoskins
I can’t stand anymore.

Joe
Bow, smile, charm, tact,
Never forget one vital fact:

The passenger’s always right, my boys,
The passenger’s always right.
Although he’s a drip
He’s paid for his trip
So greet him with delight.
Agree to his suggestions,
However coarse or crude.
Reply to all his questions,
Ply him with drink—stuff him with food.
The passenger may be sober boys,
The passenger may be tight,
The passenger may be foe or friend
Or absolutely round the bend,
But calm him,
Charm him,
Even though he’s higher than a kite,
The passenger’s always right.

Carrington
The woman in cabin forty-nine has lost
   her diamond brooch.

Joe
Calm her, Carrington,
Calm her, Carrington,
That’s the correct approach.

Hoskins
A gentleman on the Promenade Deck
   just called me a lazy snob.

Joe
Smile at him, Hoskins,
Smile at him, Hoskins,
That is part of your job.

Steward
The three fat children in B Deck 3
Have thrown their bathmat in the sea.

Shuttleworth
The The silly old broad in Main Deck 2
Has dropped her dentures down the loo.

Joe
Passengers since the world began
Have been querulous, rude and snooty.
England expects that every man
This day should do his duty…

The passenger’s always right, my boys,
The passenger’s always right.
Those dreary old wrecks
Who litter the decks
Demand that you’re polite.
Don’t count on any free time
Be kind to all the jerks,
And every day at teatime,
Stuff ’em with cake…give ’em the works.

The passenger may be dull, my boys,
The passenger may be bright,
The passenger may be quite serene
Or gibbering with Benzedrine,
But nurse him,
Curse him
Only when the bastard’s out of sight,
Remember boys,
The goddamned passenger’s always right.