Jeffrey McDaniel




The Jeffrey McDaniel Show

I enter a candlelit room.
All the women I’ve ever dated

are passing around the love poems
I gave them, and guess what?

It’s the same poem. My sweet
[put your name here], if I was God

I’d make flowers smell like the back
of your neck, trees with trunks

as soft as your thighs. When we kiss
I feel like a cheerleader being

crushed to death by a giant pom-pom.
Then Alex Trebec appears, and a game

of “Ex-Girlfriend Jeopardy” ensues.
All the categories are about me.

“I’ll take Emotional baggage for twenty.”
“Jeffrey’s mother spanked him

with this blunt object so hard
he couldn’t look in the mirror for a week.”

“What is a wire hair brush?” “Correct,
you control the board.” “Bedroom

Arrogance for thirty, please.” “The most
narcissistic thing Jeffrey has ever said

while making love.” “What is…
“if you hold me real tight

you can feel the centrifugal force
of the earth revolving around me’?”