Carol Ann Duffy

A Formal Complaint

Where do they keep coming from, these arseholes
who, when we were young, were the gatekeepers?
They must have been young then too, the chancers
who smirk and sidle and spin; the tossers
who blag and bray and brag; the bullshitters
who pose and pontificate; the patriots.

They do not mean us well, these patriots,
with their buttock-faced smarm, the pursed arseholes
of their non-disclosures — perfect for bullshitting.
Though we demonstrate at the gate, keepers
of small flames, it is bollocks they toss us
over the railings, airwaves; taking their chances.

For they love a good gamble, these chancers;
all suited and booted as patriots,
or kilted to clap the caber-tossers
over the border; midgies biting their arseholes.
No latecomers among the gatekeepers —
they start early; interns for bullshitters.

Your remote-control is a bullshit
detector. Turn off the fat puce chancer
who has found No Evidence of gatekeepers
acting as anything but patriots.
He is talking out of his arse; whole
generations, communities, scrapped, tossed.

Because it’s profit, not loss, for tossers.
Birthsigns compatible with bullshitters,
they stick together — Uranus in arseholes —
under the lucky stars of the chancers.
What’s your sign? It better be Patriot
or your future’s void with the gatekeepers.

But now, it’s Blessed are the Gatekeepers
who bar your progress like bouncers; tossers
out of non-members of Club Patriot.
And they’re playing tonight, The Bullshitters.
And they rate themselves as dancers, chancers.
They want to wake up with an arsehole.

No. Give me a gatekeeper who smells bullshit;
with two rottweilers, Tosser and Chancer,
to leave of fake patriots only their arseholes.

The definition of a chancer is a British term for someone who takes advantage of situations 
and manipulates them to his own benefit. An example of a chancer is someone who swoops 
in and buys a painting from a little old lady when he knows it is a Picasso and she doesn’t.

the word tosser describes a person with a tendency to show off or brag in an excessive and embarrassing way.